i swear

there’s something dangerous about the way you laugh at your own misery

I will bring you flowers I swear

I will bring you roses when…

the sensible ways of your thinking, the delicate manners of your faceless empathy all perished into the sky like a dust off of an empty road

I will light you a candle I swear

put it somewhere safe from the wind, when….

It’s been weeks since I saw your innocent eyes and they’re not the same anymore

I laugh and walk away, your gaze reminding me of my own demons

I will remember your smile I swear

I will shed a tear, when….

tips for studying with depression

I have been suffering from depression for a long time now, I’ve survived high school and I’m trying to survive college right now. If you’re a student struggling with depression you know that it’s hard. Sometimes it even feels impossible. Today I’ve written down some tips, that help me study. I hope it will help you too.

BEFORE YOU START: CLEAN

Yes, you read that right. Before you start studying clean your room, do your laundry, do all the chores you’ve been meaning to do. Clean environment will make you feel good. Plus you won’t have to think about it for the rest of the day. I hate when I start studying, but all I can think about is all the chores I haven’t done yet.

NUMBER ONE: ORGANIZE

The first step is to plan what exactly you need to study for. Take a look in your diary and prioritize the exams. If the exam is hard, plan more days for studying. Don’t study at the last minute, the stress wil only worsen your depression. Then check your notes and materials. Be sure you have everything ready before you start studying. If you don’t have the notes ask a classmate.

NUMBER TWO: STUDYING

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Study for more exams at the same time. Instead of studying the same materials all day, change it up. For example study anatomy for 1 hour, then microbiology, then psychology, then anatomy again. The change of subjects is what keeps your brain from being tired and aphatetic which makes your depression worse.

NUMBER THREE: TAKE A BREAK

This one is super important. Break your studying into segments and after completing each segment, take a break. For example after you read 25 pages you watch one episode of your favourite Tv show (I’m obsessed with Buzffeed Unsolved right now, go check it out). Just take a break when you feel tired or overwhelmed. Listen to some music, read or take a nap.

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NUMBER FOUR: DON’T CARE ABOUT THE GRADES

This only works If you’re not a scholarship student. This is especially easy for me to say because college is free in my county. If you’re not a scholarship student then I suggest to stop caring about the grades. As long as you pass the exam you are fine. Don’t feel pressured to have great grades. As soon as you stop caring about it, you won’t feel so guilty about a bad grade.

NUMBER FIVE: IT’S OKAY TO GIVE UP

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I’m in the middle of my finals right now. I still have three exams and couple of hospital training days left before the end of the semester. This month has been crazy, last week I had five exams and so far this week I had two. Today I was supposed to have anatomy exam, the hardest subject of the semester. I had three days to study, but I didn’t. The thing is I know I would have been able to pull it off. I just didn’t want to. I decided to look out for my mental health fo once and not do it. When you feel like you just cannot do it, then don’t. I’m writing this in my experience with my country’s education system. Here, we have three tries for one exam before we have to re- take the semester. If you have similar opportunities, take them. You don’t need to complete everything on your first try.

NUMBER SIX: YOU’RE DOING GREAT

Don’t compare yourself to other students. Remember that depression is a bitch and makes everything 100 times harder. If others have no problems with the exams it’s because they are healthy. Remember you are strong! You can do this!

dear James Cameron, don’t

I was thinking about Avatar the other night, well not the film, but the brilliant SNL sketch with Ryan Gosling, so I watched it again. After I watched it for the fifth time that night, something downed on me. I’ve seen the video dozens of times, but it felt like I finally realized the words being spoken for the first time. Are they really going to make Avatar 2? I wasn’t sure, because like most people I don’t give a fuck about Avatar. Quick google search confirmed my darkest worries. Not only they will make a sequel, they will make four sequels!!! I stared at the phone with confusion and fear. Really James Cameron, really?

the blue dude

So, Avatar. The highest-grossing film of all time. Yet not a single person I ever met in my entire life considers it to be their favourite movie. Let me ask you this. What is the plot of Avatar? I don’t know and I’ve seen it twice!

From what I can remember it is about US (??) military invading some planet to get to their oil (they do that sometimes) or watermelons or something. Then there is a soldier in a wheelchair and he gets to be a spy by looking like the other aliens?? There is Zoe Saldana somewhere in all this?? I think she and the military dude fall in love and then some shit goes down between the natives and the americans. The end? I don’t know. I don’t even know how long the movie is, but every time I watched it felt like four hours.

Even though I was able to remember some of the plot, there is no way I remember a single characters name, or anything spoken in the film. That tells you a lot.

Recently Avengers: Infinity War surpassed the $2 billion mark at the global box office. Only three previous movies were able to do that. Titanic, Force Awakens and Avatar. I could write essays about the three other movies, I could write fanfics, I could make fanart I would (and I have) watch them more than once. But Avatar? If I don’t see that movie for the rest fo my life I will be a happy person.

Why then does James Cameron think it is a good idea to make four sequels? The truth is, that people will probably go see the first one, but by the time the 4th rolls around most of them will be bored with it and have long since realized, that those movies are not that special. The first one surprised everyone with the CGI and technology and whatever, but it lacked what movies need most. A good story, memorable characters, quotable dialogue and a heart. It’s not just about it looking pretty.

And before you’re gonna scream at me how Avatar is a good movie know that I never said it is not. It could be great movie, it could be a garbage movie, but I don’t remember anything about it. In my book that does make it a bad movie. So, yeah I said it. Feel free to scream at me. Films should make you feel something. Even If it’s a bad feeling. A film, that does not make you feel anything doesn’t deserve four sequels. You may quote me on that.

why the fuck do we suddenly talk about money ?

When I was growing up we had nothing. We were constantly hanging on the edge of poverty. My mom raised us on  her own and with four children and a minimal wage it was hard. My grandma helped us, but every time she did she made sure mom would never forget it. But we were happy, because we had each other. My twin brother, my sister, who is a year younger than us and our little sister, who is five years younger. We were always Very close and always tried to help our mom. Especially us three, because our sister was much younger than us, she never felt the responsibilities we did, because she was just a kid. Something we had to give up pretty quickly. We would tell mom, that we don’t want to go on a school trip, just so she could save money, for food and clothes.

It was a little different for my brother and youngest sister. My grandma liked them more than me and my sister. She always had and she still does. In me she saw our father, who left us and spent time in prison, never to care for us or pay his alimony. She hated me for looking like him, acting like him for reminding her of the man who abandoned her daughter.

In my sister she saw our mother. Who at nineteen left her home for Prague and found a man who made her four kids, a lot debts and left. She dislikes my sister, cause she is so much like my mother. So it was a little harder for us two, but we still had each other.

Now, not so much. The youngest will be seventeen this year and she is growing up very differently than we did. My brother started working after he finished school and he earns a lot of money, he lives with his girlfriend. I got married, my sister still lives at home, but works he ass of so she could afford an apartment and move out.

The problem is, that my brother seems to have forgotten that we stared from nothing. He has money now. The middle class money. He is very mean to my sister, always telling her that if she worked harder she could afford a car or the apartment or whatever. He sounds like the kids who used bully us in school. He says the stuff they used to shout at us. He became what we always despised.

Now we talk about money. We never used to do that. That’s maybe the only perk of not having money, you don’t talk about it. Look at me I’m writing about it. I would never imagine myself writing about something so unimportant as money. But here we are.

He spoils my youngest sister. He does and it pisses me off. More than rich people we always hated spoiled kids and now my little sister is one of them. It’s different with me, because I do now have the middle class money, but it’s my husband’s money. What I’m afraid of is that, when I do start working and we will have more money than we do now, will I become a middle class asshole like my brother did? Why do people change like that? There is so much more you could have than money.

 

 

 

 

a week in a life #1

This week has been, interesting? Really I cannot think of a better word sorry. On Tuesday while I was at school, it started to snow heavily. This pissed me off, because that morning, when I looked outside and saw no snow, I made the executive decision to wear sneakers instead of boots. By the time I got to my car that afternoon the shoes were wet and my feet were freezing. The whole day was actually a day of bad decisions, because before I left school I didn’t go to pee like I always do. My normal drive home from school is about 30 minutes If the roads are covered in snow (which they were that day). So, after I made my way from the town, there’s this hill, about 2 km long, there’s two driving lanes from out-of-town, so it usually takes just a moment to drive across it. Not on Tuesday. There was a traffic jam, the line was 2 km long. With no other road to take to avoid the jam I accepted it and began to wait. Soon, two problems emerged. The first one was, that my hand brake doesn’t work, so I had to push the brake pedal the whole time and that was annoying. The second problem was, that I needed to pee very bad. The hour I spend in that traffic jam was hell. My anxiety was shooting through the roof cause the car behind me was way too close and I didn’t trust my breaks that much. And I needed to pee. God I needed to pee so bad. I would like to take this moment and thank Boney M and especially their hit single ‘Rasputin’ for getting me through this experience. Of course, the traffic jam eventually cleared and I stopped at a gas station and used the bathroom there.  All was well. Oh my god, this story has no point. I’m sorry you had to read that. I’m trying to work on my story telling skills. Actually I do have a point, advise really and that is: always use the bathroom before driving and when in a midst of a great suffering nothing helps better than Boney M.

On the other hand I’ve seen the look of absolute pity and sadness on my husband’s face the other day. That was fun. Okay, from the beginning. I have this friend. I like her very much, but she can be pretty annoying sometimes. So annoying to a point when I don’t even talk to her. We are together quite a lot, because we’re voluntary firefighters and we compete in a fire sport in the same team. My husband and most of the guys from the team don’t like her. Anyways on Saturday she asked me to go with her to Poland to buy a dress for a firemen ball we were supposed to attend later that night. When I told my husband he said that he doesn’t understand why I’m gong with her, since I always talk shit about her (yeah i know there’s a special place in hell for me, thanks). I thought about it for a second and then I said “because I have no other friend”, as soon as I said it I’ve seen his  heart break for me, but don’t worry about me I’ve dealt with this trauma like I always do I listened to Boney M.

The firemen’s ball was interesting (omg my vocabulary is really something).  I curled my hair like Carrie Bradshaw and wore a little black dress.  I looked cute as hell, though. For the first hour or so, by the end of the night I looked like Weird Al. My husband ripped his pants, our friends got drunk and started stripping,  me and some random guy became blood brothers (not literary) and my feet hurt like hell from wearing the fucking heels. 

This took me way to long to write than it should. Thanks for reading and have a nice day.

 

manon

No more laughs and no more tears,

the light is weak just like you.

Manon what have you done to me

can’t you see

I’ve got no more love to give.

Couldn’t you be smart?

the song you sung ended suddenly

you’re but a distant memory

in an old woman’s heart.

 

 

new year, new bullshit

The time has come for everyone to write about the past year and their hopes and dreams for the next one. I’m not going to do that. You probably wouldn’t even expect me to. I used to give myself new year’s resolutions, back when I was naive. I know myself now, that’s the problem. I know that no matter how many lists I make, how many blog posts I write or how many bullet journal pages I dedicate to the resolutions I will never actually do them. That’s just how it is. It’s prehaps a little sad and upsetting and great many tears and frustrated wines have been given as were  a lots of swear words. That’s also the only thing, I realized, I could do about it, because nothing will ever change about me. I have no motivation and my will to do anything (including living) has left me some time ago  with no intentions of ever coming back. At least with no resolutions I will not feel guilty after not completing them and that is the only good thing I could hope for in 2018.

The new year’s resolution business is too definite for me anyway. To change something about yourself, your habits, to achieve your goals, to do all of that in a year?? That’s not only impossible, but actually really cruel. Most of people can’t change all their lives and just how many books, films and song a have been written about people who achieved nothing and their dreams never came true, but still something makes you think that you can  do it. You have to be really motivated and brave to do that, because you probably won’t and you will be disappointed and you will feel like shit, maybe you’ll even feel slightly depressed. Don’t do that to yourself. Come to the quitter side, we may not have cookies, but life is, oh so much easier here.

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There are people, I heard of them, but never actually met one, who can achieve their goals. Apparently they’re called adults. Their natural habitat is diner parties. If you ever get invited to their tastefully decorated house,  don’t forget to bring a bottle of wine, which will remind them of  the wine they drunk on their trip to Italy they took a couple of years ago, but still can’t stop talking about it.

 

So, If you’re a responsible adult and have your shit together, I applaud you. Go and live your life and enjoy every second of it. And to us, the 20 somethings who haven’t quite grown up, I say this: go and get drunk. Not the most sophisticated advice you can get, but let’s be honest, what else can we really do to help us survive the bullshit that is life?

This post is a mess. Like all my posts, another thing I won’t change in 2018 (yay!). In a  conclusion of this mess – Please give your mental health a break and skip the resolutions, go see a Star War instead, or read a book or something.

Happy New Year to all!