if

If I run away don’t come looking for me for I am long gone.

You’re watching me write this poem, your face is broken

you now when my eyes get like this, almost dead staring at the pages of an old journal.

If I kiss you, don’t kiss back you wouldn’t like my numb lips.

If I smile, don’t believe it  but then again you prabably wouldn’t.

If I lie, not If but when

don’t cry

If you want to leave, I won’ t stop you, cause I already left.

hospital, purple hair and Kamikaze

Hello, friends or people who randomly stumbled onto this blog. How are you? I’m exhausted and hungry, running on cigarettes amd chocolate. The title perfectly sums up my weekend. On Saturday morning my husband was cutting grass then the lawnmover stopped working and he decided to check the blades and they suddenly went off. He cut the top part of his ring finger and he broke the small bone that’s in there. We rushed to the hospital and it took them forever to sew it forever and correct the bone. They should release him home at Wednesday. I miss him so much. I visit him everyday, but still it’s sad to be at jome alone. He’s in so much pain and he cannot sleep. It’s heart-breaking to see him like this.

So, naturally on Saturday night I had a mental breakdown. And I cut my hair. It is short now and purple. Yeah, I know. Honestly I’m not mad at it, it’s kinda cute. That’s what I do in times of distress people, I cut my hair.

To lighten my mood I finally listened to Eminem’s suprise album Kamikaze. I love it, it’s great. Fall is probably my favourite for the moment, but I’m sure that will change. Give it a listen, it’s great.

That would be all from me for now. I’m sorry for another shitty post, but life just sometimes happens. Have a great day everyone

the chair

I sit in a room you built

in a house I hate.

I’m looking out of a window

I want to climb out so badly, but my limbs are made of stone, my mind set roots here, it cannot fly.

The rocking chair is not comfortable anymore

it has become a safehouse for my depression.

It’s freezing, my fingers are turning blue

at least they match my mood as I cry in

the chair you bought to make me happy.

the familiar sting of stress

So school started again and I hate it. I hate it with a burning passion. Also sorry that there wasno post on Sunday I completely forgot to write something. I already had 4 lessons today and I’m already done. We have three lessons of general surgery in an hour *long suffering sight*. I’m wearing a crop top today for the first time ever and honestly? I low-key love it. I do get weird looks, because people are apparently not used to see a curvier girl exposing her mid drift. I’m sorry I am no Taylor Swift people calm down.

Okay, a little update. I wrote the first paragraph yesterday and wanted to write more when I got home, but then I got a panic attack. A big one. I felt really bad for the rest of the day. I got home at five and I fell asleep at seven. I want to apologize for not writing something better I just needed some rest, sorry guys. I think Sunday post will be another brief guide to.. Not a lot of people really read the first one, but I enjoy writing them. It’s 6 am, I’m watching The Simpsons, I’m gonna go to the doctor in an hour or so. I might go clean the house in the meantime. We’ll se.

Love you guys, have a great day.

she

and she did what she wanted

while everyone lost their shit

cause they wanted her to call it quits.

sister

You broke my sister

when she told me I cried.

Her soul, once so beautiful

started to rot.

She shakes it off and she meets another boy like you

and he breaks her heart

and she dies a little inside

and behind her eyes

I see the same demons who are hiding behind mine.

My darling,

dearest sister

I’ll wrap my hands around you and never let go.

I’ll do everything to make you smile

please, never cry again.

a brief guide to feminism for the women who don’t think we need it

If you are a women, girl or identify as a woman and you think feminism is unnecessary or annoying this article is for you!

Let me quickly explain what feminism is about. Feminists are fighting for equal pay, the right to vote, for women to receive education, own land and have equal rights within marriage. They also protect women and girls from sexual harassment and sexual assault. Allow me now, to take a moment and debunk the most common misconception about feminism: FEMINISM DOESN’T EQUAL FEMALE SUPREMACY. We (yes I am a feminist, thank you very much) just want for women to have equal opportunities men have. No matter what men seem to think, gender equality doesn’t exist.

Now, back to you ladies. Allow me to take you on a tour through history to see how much basic freedoms you have today you owe to feminists. Also for the duration of this experiment I’m gonna be using a fictional white woman, because women of color are still heavily discriminated today and while some things improved it’s not perfect by far. So, let’s look how you would live your life in the past, shall we?

  • YOU ARE BORN

Nothing complicated about that, is it? Not exactly.

In all time periods If you were born to rich parents you had a better life and more opportunities even as a woman than If you were born to poor parents. That being sad up until around the start of the 20th century girls were expected to obey their father.

In ancient Rome unwanted children (mostly girls) were left on the street and then sold as slaves. As a female slave you would be forced to work as a prostitute or work in a rich house. Masters would frequently rape their slaves. Slaves couldn’t marry and any baby born to a slave automatically became a slave.

  • GOING TO SCHOOL

You were born and spent the first few years of your life learning how tot talk and walk, now it is time to go to school. Well not really.

In ancient Rome boys and girls were taught together, mostly languages and etiquette until their come of age (12 for girls and 14 for boys). After that girls were being taught by their mother about cleaning and managing a household.

In the middle ages pretty much the only place a girl could get an education was a convent. So, you could become a nun or never know how to read.

In 16th – 17th century you could study languages If you were from a rich family.

In 18th – 19th century there was a rise in all-girl boarding schools as well as the first school for nurses. Finally the 20th century opened universities to women. Just a friendly reminder that Vivian Malone Jones the first black woman to attend a university in America did so in 1963.

  • GETTING MARRIED

So far you’ve learnt and experienced pretty much nothing so, it is time to get married!

In ancient Rome girls were under their father’s control for their whole lives. When they got married the control now belonged to the husband as well as the father. They were expected to bear children to continue the line. You could divorce quite easily in Rome (at most times), so at least there’s that.

In the Middle ages royal and other power families used marriage to gain more power or property. The wives of course belong to their husband and had to make babies. To get a divorce was extremely hard for a woman. If a man wanted to divorce he had to prove his wife’s infidelity. If woman wanted to get a divorce she had to prove her husband’s adultery as well as state another major reason. Just FIY rape and brutality did not count as a major reason. Yeah…..

It is of course mandatory for a girl to be a virgin when getting married. In ancient Rome the legal age to marry was for a girl was 12. While the husband could be up to 40 years old. In middle ages girls were expected to get married around 18 – 25 years of age. This expectation was kept up until pretty recently.

And of course you needed you father’s approval to get married.

Marital rape hasn’t been paid attention until the late 20th century when most countries made it illegal. Some countries still don’t clasify it as a crime even today.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/article/34474123/suffragettes-womens-fight-to-vote-explained-in-powerful-pictures

  • WORKING

Now that you are married and maybe you are even lucky enough that your husband isn’t 20 years older creep it is time to get to work.

If you were born into, or married into a rich family you don’t work. You make babies and take care of the babies. If you reader are a young girl you probably think this is a little far-fetched. Just go ask your grandmother, she’ll tell you.

If you were born into a poor family and your husband is poor too, you would had to work. In the middle ages you could paint textiles, keep livestock or work as a household servant. If you did work somewhere other than your home you were expected to have a male supervision at all times. You also had to cook and clean, look after the children as well as make cheese! Yay!

In Victorian Britain working class women worked in factories, as servants or in workshops.While being paid less than the men, naturally Just watch Suffragette to know how hard it really was.

  • VOTING

HAHAHA.

Nowadays you may find yourself in a middle of a political debate and you are free to express your thoughts on the whole process as well as vote. You couldn’t do that in the past. Not by a long shot. Men didn’t want women in politics and hell they still don’t. THat all changed with the suffragette movement in the late 19th and early 20th century. Through protests and marches they won the right to vote. Finally in 1918 Women were allowed to vote in Britain. As long as they were over 30, were white and owned land. Still. Just watch Suffragette.

  • That’s it.

What a life it has been. You learned to read and gave birth to multiple children and If you haven’t died from childbirth you cleaned and cooked and kept your mouth shut untill your ultimate death.

That brings me back to you dear reader. If you a woman, still don’t believe in feminism just remember that every right, every privilege you have has been made for you by centuries of brave women who paved the way for you. The fact that you can go to school, to work. There have been women who said ‘fuck it’ and went for it, even though they were constantly being brought down by men, who didn’t want them to succeed. Even the women who did the small things, like using contraceptive methods behind their husband’s back, because they didn’t want to have another kid. It’s the women who read books and talked about them in public. It is the women who didn’t get married. The women who wrote books and painted. It’s the girls who put on pants and vests and lipsticks. Women of the past. The extraordinary brave women who stood up to the system as well as the everyday women who rebelled against society in small ways. Those are the real heroes, without them we wouldn’t have anything. Remember them the next time you think feminism is unnecessary.