waiting for God

Ever since I was old enough to understand the concept of faith I waited for some kind of religious epiphany to come. I heard about God in movies and read about him in books, but never knew why we don’t talk about him at home. So I asked my mom, why we don’t pray, who is God and was Jesus really his son. She said that in our family we don’t believe God exist. That was shocking for me. When someone talked about God on the television they knew he did exist. I was confused.

I felt like something was missing. What If God existed and I was missing out on spiritual enlightenment? As I grew older I read the Bible and I started to part with the image of God being a man in the sky. I did wanted to find God, but I couldn’t believe the Bible. I don’t mean to disrespect anyone who does. Faith is a gift I don’t have. I don’t think you need an organized religion to connect with your spirituality. The Bible was written by men and so were the rules.

The truth is I don’t know what I will feel when I finally find him or if I ever will. And who knows maybe one day I will be satisfied with my life enough to stop searching for him.

Výsledek obrázku pro losing my religion gif

forgive me

Forgive me people,

for  not changing anything, cynically wasting my potential and your money

for drinking on working days, lying to police men about my friends getting high in a bathroom of a fancy hotel

for faking my way through life with ease while you crawl in the mud of your disappointing existence.

Forgive me friends,

for never keeping secrets, revealing your shame and fears to psychiatrists, mocking your pain in front of the masses

for the cigarette smoke I blew in your face while you were crying about your parents’ divorce.

for the anger I felt when you walked away, the profanities I shouted at you in a bus taking you home.

Forgive me parents,

for running away from the life you created for me

for blaming my failures at you, crying everyday, ruining your mornings

for cutting myself, getting blood all over the sheets you bought.

Forgive me my love,

for loving you quietly and not kissing you enough

for making you touch my scars, corrupting your innocence with my sins

for not being perfect,

for living so fast.

 

 

© 2017 Carolyn Grimm

 

i wish

Seven swans sat on the grass

when you kissed me.

You  robbed me of my dreams

I wish I could get angry

you took that away too.

You make me cry at midnight

and feel nothing at noon

I wish I could be cynical

you took that away too.

Everything I once was

is burried in a hole

my father helped you dig.

The swans flew away

when I laid down in the dirt.

 

 

© 2017 Carolyn Grimm

the things i wish i could tell you

When I was five years old my father was arrested for robbery, he spent 9 years in prison. I grew up without him and I wish I could say I’m ok with it, that I’ve moved past it and live my life fully now. I can’t. At least not yet. Over the years I wanted to tell him so many things.

2001

Daddy,

we spent Christmas with uncle Vladan. I got a doll house it’s so big and pretty. Betty cried because she wanted to play with it as well. Mom told me to let her. Uncle made funny faces at dinner! It was so funny, but mommy was crying. I miss you, when you get back we will play with my new doll house.

2003

Daddy,

today is my and Matt’s first day of school. I am exited, mommy says i am a big girl now. I will miss the toys, but Betty promised to take care of them when we’re gone. I will learn how to write and then I can write to you. Grandma said you won’t read it. That’s silly, you already went to school, you know how to read. All the girls have their daddy’s with them. I hope you’ll be back soon, so I can show you my school. It’s so big! I miss you.

2006

Dad,

grandma hit me today, because I was rude to her. She hit me and said I’m just like you. I don’t know If that’s true, I don’t remember you very much. I miss you.

2008

Father,

I know everything now. I read about it in a newspaper mother hid in her closet. How dare you not tell your kids what you did. I’m so fucking stupid for the longest time I thought you were away because of work. Should I tell Matt and Betty? And what about Vicky, she’s starting school, what she’s gonna think when someone asks her about it? Who else knows? Everyone in this fucking town I presume.

2009

Father,

so you’re back. I dreamt about this you know. Now I’m crying when you shout profanities at me. Why did you come back.

2012

Father,

it’s been 3 years since you left us. again. I met a boy and he broke my heart. My friends don’t talk to me. Mom is angry about my grades. I hate myself for missing you. Because I do, miss you. I miss the version of you I created. The dad I used to have. I wish you were here and helped me.

2017

Dad,

I got married today. Matt gave me away. It should have been you. I wore my dream dress, Betty and Vicki were bridesmaids, they looked beautiful. I didn’t think about you in a long time. I was so nervous, I wish you were there to hold my hand like you used to do when I was little. I do miss you.

depression killed me

When I was younger, I was afraid of being forgotten. That was my biggest fear, to not change anything in the world, to not make a difference. nowadays I kind of lost myself.

When I was fifteen I dreamt about being a writer, a film director an actress. I wanted to do everything and create something that would out live me.

When I was sixteen I found a group of friends who I loved very much, but they did not care about me as much as I thought. I fell in love with a boy who cheated on me with his ex- girlfriend. Everyone I knew, even my sibling took his side in the argument and I found myself with no friends. That’s when I felt depressed for the first time. I started cutting myself, I still have the scars to this day and even after so many years I still have to fight the urge to hurt myself.

When I was seventeen I was slowly getting rid of the depression. I met someone. Funny, smart and kind boy. We started dating. Everything was fine. I dreamt about our future life together.

When I was eighteen. I still had my boyfriend and still didn’t have any friends. For the first year of the relationship I didn’t feel like I need any. But now I start to feel lonely again, having no one to really talk to. I dreamt about having friends.

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MCU Movies Ranked from Worst to Best

For a long time I wondered if I should write an individual review for each film, but then I decided against it. Everyone at this point has done that. So instead of me analyzing each film I thought I could make a list and rank them. Please note that this list is based on my opinions only. Feel free to comment if you disagree with me, I would love to hear your opinions. The only film that won’t be ranked is Guardians Of The Galaxy vol. 2 since I have not seen it yet.

The ones I Don’t Like

Those are the films I just cannot stand for one reason or another.

The Incredible Hulk

This movie is just boring from start to finish. We get the origin story in the first few minutes through opening titles. After that we follow Bruce Banner as he runs from the government. I love Ed Norton, but his performance here is underwhelming. There is no connection to the character for me. When we first see Elizabeth with another man I know I should care, I should be sad, angry and feel sorry for Bruce, but the movie didn’t do anything to make me care about their relationship. Little montage at the beginning of the movie simply won’t do. The Hulk looks ugly, every time he’s on-screen the movie gets somehow more boring and I always get a headache while watching it. I really, really hate this movie.

Výsledek obrázku pro incredible hulk

Guardians of the Galaxy

I know, this movie is usually at the top of everyone’s list and I know why. The movie is good, the performances are great, it is funny, the visuals are amazing, but I still don’t like it. It is a mystery for me, because it has all the things I love: set in space, Chris Pratt, humor, action, superheroes. I just don’t like it. I’ve seen it twice, each time it was really difficult to get through to the end. I didn’t connect to any of the characters and by the time Groot sacrificed himself at the end I simply didn’t care. Unlike Incredible Hulk this movie is good I just can’t get into it.

Iron Man 3

You know it’s funny that two Iron Man movies are in this category, Iron Man being my favourite MCU superhero. This movie is just pointless. If you watch all of the MCU movies and skip this one, nothing will happen. Tony deals with PTSD, that is the only interesting part of the movie. RDJ’s performance is perfect as always and the highlight of the movie. So Tony decides to quit being a superhero and destroys all of his suits. Except he doesn’t, he’s right back saving lives in the next Avengers. The movie changed nothing. The action without the suit is okay, but doesn’t stand out. Pepper is annoying as fuck and we see her again in Spider – Man: Homecoming, so clearly their relationship wasn’t really damaged. Tony says they are on a break in Civil War, but couple of months later they’re back together again. I am so angry with this movie, because if done right it would be a major break for the character. Instead it fell flat.

Iron Man 2

This one is between the two categories as I genuinely enjoy parts of this movie, but absolutely can’t stand some. This movie is not as bad as some people say. It has some great moments in it like: Tony suiting up at the race track, Fury and Romanoff interference at the diner and Tony watching his father’s tape. This movie helped us to understand Tony’s relationship with his father as well as his desire to help others and be a better man. But then in the same movie Tony invents a new element by using lasers. I’m sorry, no amount of explanation will ever validate this. It is stupid and it takes me right out of the movie every time. Pepper is annoying, again. The villan is laughable, Justin Hammer is just pathetic. although I am a fan of Don Cheadle as Rhodes there’s something annoying about him in this one.

Výsledek obrázku pro iron man 2 gif

The ones I Like

Thor: The Dark World

I don’t understand the hate for both Thor movies. I mean, they are not perfect, but they’re also not so bad as everyone would have you believe. Yes the villain  is bad, the worst in the MCU. If you look past that The Dark World has so much more to offer. We explore Thor’s relationship with his parents and his brother. The scene with Loki dying is one of the best and  most emotional scenes of the franchise. Loki is perfect, stealing every scene he is in. Jane is used properly and Hemsworth has never looked better. This movie does not have the ambitions to be great, but it is a lot of fun, sometimes that’s all I need.

Captain America: The First Avenger

Ok, I do not like origin stories, even the great ones like Iron Man or Deadpool. I find them boring. That’s just my opinion. This movie is good, the acting is good, the action is good, the story is interesting enough to not fall asleep while watching it. You see what’s the problem? Good is just not enough to get me invested in a movie. The relationship Cap has with Peggy is good, but pointless in the long run, cause he’s gonna wake up in the future anyway. The relationship with Bucky is however the high point of this movie. In cap’s storyline Bucky is a major player and it is nice to see how it began. This movie is my husband’s favourite and we watched it many times together, maybe that’s what keeps me from ranking it any lower.

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watch a film in your native language

Day 2 of my movie challenge.  Today I’m going to talk about a film made in my country. Czech cinematography is full of amazing movies. Kolja is as heartwarming tale about a man connecting with a boy whose mother abandoned him in a foreign country. Written by Zdeněk Svěrák the film won an Academy Award for the best foreign language film in 1997. Another successful film was Jiří Menzel’s Closely Watched Trains winning the same award in 1967. Věra Chytilová directed Daisies a comedy – drama regarded as a milestone of the New Wave movement. The more recent films include Masaryk, Loners, Holiday Makers or Perfect Days.

Those are all great films and chances are you probably heard of at least one of them before. So, I’m not gonna talk about them, I’m gonna talk about

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