waiting for God

Ever since I was old enough to understand the concept of faith I waited for some kind of religious epiphany to come. I heard about God in movies and read about him in books, but never knew why we don’t talk about him at home. So I asked my mom, why we don’t pray, who is God and was Jesus really his son. She said that in our family we don’t believe God exist. That was shocking for me. When someone talked about God on the television they knew he did exist. I was confused.

I felt like something was missing. What If God existed and I was missing out on spiritual enlightenment? As I grew older I read the Bible and I started to part with the image of God being a man in the sky. I did wanted to find God, but I couldn’t believe the Bible. I don’t mean to disrespect anyone who does. Faith is a gift I don’t have. I don’t think you need an organized religion to connect with your spirituality. The Bible was written by men and so were the rules.

The truth is I don’t know what I will feel when I finally find him or if I ever will. And who knows maybe one day I will be satisfied with my life enough to stop searching for him.

Výsledek obrázku pro losing my religion gif

forgive me

Forgive me people,

for  not changing anything, cynically wasting my potential and your money

for drinking on working days, lying to police men about my friends getting high in a bathroom of a fancy hotel

for faking my way through life with ease while you crawl in the mud of your disappointing existence.

Forgive me friends,

for never keeping secrets, revealing your shame and fears to psychiatrists, mocking your pain in front of the masses

for the cigarette smoke I blew in your face while you were crying about your parents’ divorce.

for the anger I felt when you walked away, the profanities I shouted at you in a bus taking you home.

Forgive me parents,

for running away from the life you created for me

for blaming my failures at you, crying everyday, ruining your mornings

for cutting myself, getting blood all over the sheets you bought.

Forgive me my love,

for loving you quietly and not kissing you enough

for making you touch my scars, corrupting your innocence with my sins

for not being perfect,

for living so fast.

 

 

© 2017 Carolyn Grimm

 

i wish

Seven swans sat on the grass

when you kissed me.

You  robbed me of my dreams

I wish I could get angry

you took that away too.

You make me cry at midnight

and feel nothing at noon

I wish I could be cynical

you took that away too.

Everything I once was

is burried in a hole

my father helped you dig.

The swans flew away

when I laid down in the dirt.

 

 

© 2017 Carolyn Grimm

the things i wish i could tell you

When I was five years old my father was arrested for robbery, he spent 9 years in prison. I grew up without him and I wish I could say I’m ok with it, that I’ve moved past it and live my life fully now. I can’t. At least not yet. Over the years I wanted to tell him so many things.

2001

Daddy,

we spent Christmas with uncle Vladan. I got a doll house it’s so big and pretty. Betty cried because she wanted to play with it as well. Mom told me to let her. Uncle made funny faces at dinner! It was so funny, but mommy was crying. I miss you, when you get back we will play with my new doll house.

2003

Daddy,

today is my and Matt’s first day of school. I am exited, mommy says i am a big girl now. I will miss the toys, but Betty promised to take care of them when we’re gone. I will learn how to write and then I can write to you. Grandma said you won’t read it. That’s silly, you already went to school, you know how to read. All the girls have their daddy’s with them. I hope you’ll be back soon, so I can show you my school. It’s so big! I miss you.

2006

Dad,

grandma hit me today, because I was rude to her. She hit me and said I’m just like you. I don’t know If that’s true, I don’t remember you very much. I miss you.

2008

Father,

I know everything now. I read about it in a newspaper mother hid in her closet. How dare you not tell your kids what you did. I’m so fucking stupid for the longest time I thought you were away because of work. Should I tell Matt and Betty? And what about Vicky, she’s starting school, what she’s gonna think when someone asks her about it? Who else knows? Everyone in this fucking town I presume.

2009

Father,

so you’re back. I dreamt about this you know. Now I’m crying when you shout profanities at me. Why did you come back.

2012

Father,

it’s been 3 years since you left us. again. I met a boy and he broke my heart. My friends don’t talk to me. Mom is angry about my grades. I hate myself for missing you. Because I do, miss you. I miss the version of you I created. The dad I used to have. I wish you were here and helped me.

2017

Dad,

I got married today. Matt gave me away. It should have been you. I wore my dream dress, Betty and Vicki were bridesmaids, they looked beautiful. I didn’t think about you in a long time. I was so nervous, I wish you were there to hold my hand like you used to do when I was little. I do miss you.

depression killed me

When I was younger, I was afraid of being forgotten. That was my biggest fear, to not change anything in the world, to not make a difference. nowadays I kind of lost myself.

When I was fifteen I dreamt about being a writer, a film director an actress. I wanted to do everything and create something that would out live me.

When I was sixteen I found a group of friends who I loved very much, but they did not care about me as much as I thought. I fell in love with a boy who cheated on me with his ex- girlfriend. Everyone I knew, even my sibling took his side in the argument and I found myself with no friends. That’s when I felt depressed for the first time. I started cutting myself, I still have the scars to this day and even after so many years I still have to fight the urge to hurt myself.

When I was seventeen I was slowly getting rid of the depression. I met someone. Funny, smart and kind boy. We started dating. Everything was fine. I dreamt about our future life together.

When I was eighteen. I still had my boyfriend and still didn’t have any friends. For the first year of the relationship I didn’t feel like I need any. But now I start to feel lonely again, having no one to really talk to. I dreamt about having friends.

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