depression killed me

When I was younger, I was afraid of being forgotten. That was my biggest fear, to not change anything in the world, to not make a difference. nowadays I kind of lost myself.

When I was fifteen I dreamt about being a writer, a film director an actress. I wanted to do everything and create something that would out live me.

When I was sixteen I found a group of friends who I loved very much, but they did not care about me as much as I thought. I fell in love with a boy who cheated on me with his ex- girlfriend. Everyone I knew, even my sibling took his side in the argument and I found myself with no friends. That’s when I felt depressed for the first time. I started cutting myself, I still have the scars to this day and even after so many years I still have to fight the urge to hurt myself.

When I was seventeen I was slowly getting rid of the depression. I met someone. Funny, smart and kind boy. We started dating. Everything was fine. I dreamt about our future life together.

When I was eighteen. I still had my boyfriend and still didn’t have any friends. For the first year of the relationship I didn’t feel like I need any. But now I start to feel lonely again, having no one to really talk to. I dreamt about having friends.

When I was nineteen I was in a loving relationship, I still had no friends,  and I was just finishing high school. I did not care about not having friends, I did not care about my boyfriend, I did not care about my education, I did not care about my family. I lied in the dark and felt nothing. It took me three months before I realized what was happening. I knew the feeling of depression, but this was more intense. I went to the doctor. She prescribed me pills. Around that time I also started having obssesive thoughts. Every time I walked past the light switch I had to switch it many times until I felt it was right. Having been diagnosed with OCD made sense, I always knew there was something wrong with me. I dreamt about being normal again.

When I was twenty I dropped out of college, because of my social anxiety. I got a dog and my depression got better. I got married to the love of my life. I didn’t do it in a hope of curing myself, but because I love him with all my heart and I didn’t want to wait another second to marry him. I dreamt about being healthy for our future.

Now I’m twenty – one. The dreams of my teenage years are gone. Depression robbed me of them. Because of it I don’t dream anymore. I used to love reading, history, talking about politics, going out with my friends, arguing with someone, ranting.

I don’t care about any of that now. Being depressed doesn’t mean you are sad all the time, more often than not it means you feel completely apathetic. I don’ feel happy, but I don’t feel angry either. The years of depression didn’t change my personality, they erased it. I don’t exist anymore. There is my body and small fraction of who I used to be, which only my husband gets to see, because I’m too scared to leave the house.

I’m twenty – one and I dream about nothing.

 

 

 

 

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10 thoughts on “depression killed me

  1. I thought I was bipolar
    Like the Old Man and the Sea
    But the doctor didn’t share
    My suspicion
    As she clicked her Zoloft pen
    And wrote on her Zoloft pad
    And looked at her Zoloft poster
    And drank from her Zoloft mug
    Guess what she prescribed?
    Guess the way I died?
    With a rope bought at Walmart
    With the prescription change

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  2. It’s very a very difficult battle you are undergoing… But once in a while a spark of life will enter you… It may be rare but it will return, be patient and don’t lose hope. Dreams can always be conjured up again, positive longings will surface in time. Keep searching for the things you want or that interest you and always be curious. Yourself will return to you sooner than you can imagine. I hope all is well in your marriage as having someone that likes and loves you for you is important to healing…

    Thank you for sharing your heart, soul and experiences…

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  3. You are so correct about the apathy. That is what depression means to me – I’m dead inside. Sadness doesn’t begin to describe what you’re going through.

    I have dealt with reoccurring severe depression since my teens. (Bipolar, but I mostly deal with depression.) Also severe anxiety. I don’t know your med history, but maybe there is more that can be done on a pharmaceutical level? Or therapy – I would never push a certain solution. I know that dead feeling intimiately. I also know what it’s like to come alive again. Enjoy reading, learning. Feeling.

    You are not a boring person – that much I can tell. You do not have a profound character flaw! You are unwell. Please don’t give up on the chance that there are tools out there that can help you. It took me ages, but while far from happy-go-lucky, I feel alive. I wish you the best.

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    1. thank you for sharing your experience. I’ve tried a couple of therapists, but none of them fit me. I don’t know if it’s just me, but I need to trust my doctor completely. The ones I’ve been to just wrent good for me, but I’m not giving up. I will find the right one and then I will hopefully feel better

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      1. I’ve had the same experience with doctors. Don’t settle. If you ever have any questions about meds, therapy, or just need support, please don’t hesitate to ask. I’ve had a ton of experience in this area! (Sigh.) Best.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I can kind of get it. Saw therapists on and off most of my life. I found God’s love in Jesus Christ along the way. I am still alone but no longer lonely. Hard to believe Someone would love me enough to die for me, but He did. I have trust issues, too, thankful you have your husband. Thank you for visiting my blog. I hope you will keep writing.

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  5. You write with openess and a raw honesty that probes the emotions of those who read you. That is a gift. You feel guilt about something, maybe something indefinable, but I suspect faith has something to do with that: there is no shame in not having a belief, and in you I think unquestioning faith would be unfulfilling. In the end, only you can lead yourself out of the dark tunnel. I am sure you will, but keep your gifts, even if they are gifts of darkness:they are a real possession, and to be prized.

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