the things i wish i could tell you

When I was five years old my father was arrested for robbery, he spent 9 years in prison. I grew up without him and I wish I could say I’m ok with it, that I’ve moved past it and live my life fully now. I can’t. At least not yet. Over the years I wanted to tell him so many things.

2001

Daddy,

we spent Christmas with uncle Vladan. I got a doll house it’s so big and pretty. Betty cried because she wanted to play with it as well. Mom told me to let her. Uncle made funny faces at dinner! It was so funny, but mommy was crying. I miss you, when you get back we will play with my new doll house.

2003

Daddy,

today is my and Matt’s first day of school. I am exited, mommy says i am a big girl now. I will miss the toys, but Betty promised to take care of them when we’re gone. I will learn how to write and then I can write to you. Grandma said you won’t read it. That’s silly, you already went to school, you know how to read. All the girls have their daddy’s with them. I hope you’ll be back soon, so I can show you my school. It’s so big! I miss you.

2006

Dad,

grandma hit me today, because I was rude to her. She hit me and said I’m just like you. I don’t know If that’s true, I don’t remember you very much. I miss you.

2008

Father,

I know everything now. I read about it in a newspaper mother hid in her closet. How dare you not tell your kids what you did. I’m so fucking stupid for the longest time I thought you were away because of work. Should I tell Matt and Betty? And what about Vicky, she’s starting school, what she’s gonna think when someone asks her about it? Who else knows? Everyone in this fucking town I presume.

2009

Father,

so you’re back. I dreamt about this you know. Now I’m crying when you shout profanities at me. Why did you come back.

2012

Father,

it’s been 3 years since you left us. again. I met a boy and he broke my heart. My friends don’t talk to me. Mom is angry about my grades. I hate myself for missing you. Because I do, miss you. I miss the version of you I created. The dad I used to have. I wish you were here and helped me.

2017

Dad,

I got married today. Matt gave me away. It should have been you. I wore my dream dress, Betty and Vicki were bridesmaids, they looked beautiful. I didn’t think about you in a long time. I was so nervous, I wish you were there to hold my hand like you used to do when I was little. I do miss you.

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