the summer of 2012

Over the course of my life I have met many people, none of them however changed my life and helped me find myself as the three I met in the summer of 2012.

I just turned 16 couple of months before the faithful summer. Me and my brother and sister had a group of friends whom we knew our whole lives. Em my brother’s girlfriend at the time, inherited a house after her mother died when she was little and this was the first summer her grandparents allowed us to use it. It was a big, beautiful but a little beat-up house.The furniture inside was relic of the 90’s with only three rooms fully furnished. The central heating didn’t work, the water was cold and we could only use electricity occasionally because it was expensive.

We loved the house anyway, spending most of our time there. We would throw parties and invite everyone who’d bring booze. As I said I only had a small group of friends, but that summer I met many new people. Among them was Dee. She and I became friends, she was like a breath of fresh air. I could talk to her about everything. She was free, talking about sex, smoking cigarettes and drinking on weekdays. I have lost my virginity the year before we met to a guy who never called me back afterwards, but I have never talked about sex before. With newly found confidence I started smoking, drinking and brought Dee into the house.

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About a week after we’ve met we hosted a big party at the house. Dee invited her boyfriend and couple of his friends. Her boyfriend Jay was charming, funny and after talking to him for two minutes I felt like I knew him my whole life. We talked for hours and we knew that we had something special. He wasn’t just my friend, he was so much more than that I loved him beyond the romantic way. I loved him purely for his soul and nothing else. We would lie on the ground together at night, listening to music, stargazing and talking till morning. I have never understood anyone better than him and he was the only one who will ever completely understand me.

The same night I met Jay he introduced me to his best friend CJ. He was funny, handsome and he listened to me talk and never once looked at my sister standing behind me. I fell in love. Now, knowing what I know, the memory still feels real. I fell in love with him, completely and utterly. I have never loved more intensely. Cj and I were dating for about 5 months untill I found out he was cheating on my with his ex girlfriend. It is hard to say if he ever did love me. I like to believe that he did at beginning. Even if he only did for one night.

Dee and Jay broke up after couple of months after we’ve met. That’s how I lost them both. I had to pick a side. I tried to distance myself so I wouldn’t have to, but it was inevitable.I knew she was gonna break up with him, but I didn’t tell him about it. I thought it was the for the best I didn’t want to interfere. Dee did it unexpectedly.  All three of us were waiting for a bus, smoking and talking. Out of nowhere she told him she wants to break up. He cried and I stood there, shocked, unaware of how to react. Meanwhile the bus arrived and Dee was getting in. She called my name  and I looked at both of them. Jay was desperate and crying, Dee was impatient. I chose the easy way out and followed her. I was selfish and didn’t want to deal with his pain because I cannot even do that with my own. Sitting in the bus I looked at him, he was looking at me and I knew I lost him.

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After that we talked several times but failed to connect like before. I see him often walking past my house to visit his friends. We smile at each other and in that moment our friendship is real again for just a second. In that moment it lives forever.

Dee and I drifted apart. She found a new friend who was crazier than me. I watched them both get in and out of relationships with boys who only wanted to fuck them. One day I simply had enough. I couldn’t watch her getting her heart-broken again and I walked away. She lives with her boyfriend now and when I do see her sometimes, she has bruises on her body. I wish I could help her, but I lost that opportunity when I walked away. She doesn’t smile and when she looks at me I see the sadness behind her eyes.

I have not talked to CJ since we broke up. I got married since then and he had a few girlfriends. We met only once. One year after the break up. I wanted to tell him how much he hurt me , how much I loved him, about all the tears I cried. He wouldn’t care. I don’t know if we ever meet again but I hope he has a good life. I loved him and in my memories I always will.

These are the people behind me. They shaped who I am now. In loving them I discovered my ugly side, the selfish, mean and cynical me. I started to believe in myself more.

After I lost them all I was diagnosed with depression and lost myself again. Nevertheless I would not change a thing. I will never forget my first friend, my soul mate, my first love. 

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