i swear

there’s something dangerous about the way you laugh at your own misery

I will bring you flowers I swear

I will bring you roses when…

the sensible ways of your thinking, the delicate manners of your faceless empathy all perished into the sky like a dust off of an empty road

I will light you a candle I swear

put it somewhere safe from the wind, when….

It’s been weeks since I saw your innocent eyes and they’re not the same anymore

I laugh and walk away, your gaze reminding me of my own demons

I will remember your smile I swear

I will shed a tear, when….

tips for studying with depression

I have been suffering from depression for a long time now, I’ve survived high school and I’m trying to survive college right now. If you’re a student struggling with depression you know that it’s hard. Sometimes it even feels impossible. Today I’ve written down some tips, that help me study. I hope it will help you too.


Yes, you read that right. Before you start studying clean your room, do your laundry, do all the chores you’ve been meaning to do. Clean environment will make you feel good. Plus you won’t have to think about it for the rest of the day. I hate when I start studying, but all I can think about is all the chores I haven’t done yet.


The first step is to plan what exactly you need to study for. Take a look in your diary and prioritize the exams. If the exam is hard, plan more days for studying. Don’t study at the last minute, the stress wil only worsen your depression. Then check your notes and materials. Be sure you have everything ready before you start studying. If you don’t have the notes ask a classmate.



Study for more exams at the same time. Instead of studying the same materials all day, change it up. For example study anatomy for 1 hour, then microbiology, then psychology, then anatomy again. The change of subjects is what keeps your brain from being tired and aphatetic which makes your depression worse.


This one is super important. Break your studying into segments and after completing each segment, take a break. For example after you read 25 pages you watch one episode of your favourite Tv show (I’m obsessed with Buzffeed Unsolved right now, go check it out). Just take a break when you feel tired or overwhelmed. Listen to some music, read or take a nap.



This only works If you’re not a scholarship student. This is especially easy for me to say because college is free in my county. If you’re not a scholarship student then I suggest to stop caring about the grades. As long as you pass the exam you are fine. Don’t feel pressured to have great grades. As soon as you stop caring about it, you won’t feel so guilty about a bad grade.



I’m in the middle of my finals right now. I still have three exams and couple of hospital training days left before the end of the semester. This month has been crazy, last week I had five exams and so far this week I had two. Today I was supposed to have anatomy exam, the hardest subject of the semester. I had three days to study, but I didn’t. The thing is I know I would have been able to pull it off. I just didn’t want to. I decided to look out for my mental health fo once and not do it. When you feel like you just cannot do it, then don’t. I’m writing this in my experience with my country’s education system. Here, we have three tries for one exam before we have to re- take the semester. If you have similar opportunities, take them. You don’t need to complete everything on your first try.


Don’t compare yourself to other students. Remember that depression is a bitch and makes everything 100 times harder. If others have no problems with the exams it’s because they are healthy. Remember you are strong! You can do this!

dear James Cameron, don’t

I was thinking about Avatar the other night, well not the film, but the brilliant SNL sketch with Ryan Gosling, so I watched it again. After I watched it for the fifth time that night, something downed on me. I’ve seen the video dozens of times, but it felt like I finally realized the words being spoken for the first time. Are they really going to make Avatar 2? I wasn’t sure, because like most people I don’t give a fuck about Avatar. Quick google search confirmed my darkest worries. Not only they will make a sequel, they will make four sequels!!! I stared at the phone with confusion and fear. Really James Cameron, really?

the blue dude

So, Avatar. The highest-grossing film of all time. Yet not a single person I ever met in my entire life considers it to be their favourite movie. Let me ask you this. What is the plot of Avatar? I don’t know and I’ve seen it twice!

From what I can remember it is about US (??) military invading some planet to get to their oil (they do that sometimes) or watermelons or something. Then there is a soldier in a wheelchair and he gets to be a spy by looking like the other aliens?? There is Zoe Saldana somewhere in all this?? I think she and the military dude fall in love and then some shit goes down between the natives and the americans. The end? I don’t know. I don’t even know how long the movie is, but every time I watched it felt like four hours.

Even though I was able to remember some of the plot, there is no way I remember a single characters name, or anything spoken in the film. That tells you a lot.

Recently Avengers: Infinity War surpassed the $2 billion mark at the global box office. Only three previous movies were able to do that. Titanic, Force Awakens and Avatar. I could write essays about the three other movies, I could write fanfics, I could make fanart I would (and I have) watch them more than once. But Avatar? If I don’t see that movie for the rest fo my life I will be a happy person.

Why then does James Cameron think it is a good idea to make four sequels? The truth is, that people will probably go see the first one, but by the time the 4th rolls around most of them will be bored with it and have long since realized, that those movies are not that special. The first one surprised everyone with the CGI and technology and whatever, but it lacked what movies need most. A good story, memorable characters, quotable dialogue and a heart. It’s not just about it looking pretty.

And before you’re gonna scream at me how Avatar is a good movie know that I never said it is not. It could be great movie, it could be a garbage movie, but I don’t remember anything about it. In my book that does make it a bad movie. So, yeah I said it. Feel free to scream at me. Films should make you feel something. Even If it’s a bad feeling. A film, that does not make you feel anything doesn’t deserve four sequels. You may quote me on that.

why the fuck do we suddenly talk about money ?

When I was growing up we had nothing. We were constantly hanging on the edge of poverty. My mom raised us onĀ  her own and with four children and a minimal wage it was hard. My grandma helped us, but every time she did she made sure mom would never forget it. But we were happy, because we had each other. My twin brother, my sister, who is a year younger than us and our little sister, who is five years younger. We were always Very close and always tried to help our mom. Especially us three, because our sister was much younger than us, she never felt the responsibilities we did, because she was just a kid. Something we had to give up pretty quickly. We would tell mom, that we don’t want to go on a school trip, just so she could save money, for food and clothes.

It was a little different for my brother and youngest sister. My grandma liked them more than me and my sister. She always had and she still does. In me she saw our father, who left us and spent time in prison, never to care for us or pay his alimony. She hated me for looking like him, acting like him for reminding her of the man who abandoned her daughter.

In my sister she saw our mother. Who at nineteen left her home for Prague and found a man who made her four kids, a lot debts and left. She dislikes my sister, cause she is so much like my mother. So it was a little harder for us two, but we still had each other.

Now, not so much. The youngest will be seventeen this year and she is growing up very differently than we did. My brother started working after he finished school and he earns a lot of money, he lives with his girlfriend. I got married, my sister still lives at home, but works he ass of so she could afford an apartment and move out.

The problem is, that my brother seems to have forgotten that we stared from nothing. He has money now. The middle class money. He is very mean to my sister, always telling her that if she worked harder she could afford a car or the apartment or whatever. He sounds like the kids who used bully us in school. He says the stuff they used to shout at us. He became what we always despised.

Now we talk about money. We never used to do that. That’s maybe the only perk of not having money, you don’t talk about it. Look at me I’m writing about it. I would never imagine myself writing about something so unimportant as money. But here we are.

He spoils my youngest sister. He does and it pisses me off. More than rich people we always hated spoiled kids and now my little sister is one of them. It’s different with me, because I do now have the middle class money, but it’s my husband’s money. What I’m afraid of is that, when I do start working and we will have more money than we do now, will I become a middle class asshole like my brother did? Why do people change like that? There is so much more you could have than money.