a week in a life #1

This week has been, interesting? Really I cannot think of a better word sorry. On Tuesday while I was at school, it started to snow heavily. This pissed me off, because that morning, when I looked outside and saw no snow, I made the executive decision to wear sneakers instead of boots. By the time I got to my car that afternoon the shoes were wet and my feet were freezing. The whole day was actually a day of bad decisions, because before I left school I didn’t go to pee like I always do. My normal drive home from school is about 30 minutes If the roads are covered in snow (which they were that day). So, after I made my way from the town, there’s this hill, about 2 km long, there’s two driving lanes from out-of-town, so it usually takes just a moment to drive across it. Not on Tuesday. There was a traffic jam, the line was 2 km long. With no other road to take to avoid the jam I accepted it and began to wait. Soon, two problems emerged. The first one was, that my hand brake doesn’t work, so I had to push the brake pedal the whole time and that was annoying. The second problem was, that I needed to pee very bad. The hour I spend in that traffic jam was hell. My anxiety was shooting through the roof cause the car behind me was way too close and I didn’t trust my breaks that much. And I needed to pee. God I needed to pee so bad. I would like to take this moment and thank Boney M and especially their hit single ‘Rasputin’ for getting me through this experience. Of course, the traffic jam eventually cleared and I stopped at a gas station and used the bathroom there.  All was well. Oh my god, this story has no point. I’m sorry you had to read that. I’m trying to work on my story telling skills. Actually I do have a point, advise really and that is: always use the bathroom before driving and when in a midst of a great suffering nothing helps better than Boney M.

On the other hand I’ve seen the look of absolute pity and sadness on my husband’s face the other day. That was fun. Okay, from the beginning. I have this friend. I like her very much, but she can be pretty annoying sometimes. So annoying to a point when I don’t even talk to her. We are together quite a lot, because we’re voluntary firefighters and we compete in a fire sport in the same team. My husband and most of the guys from the team don’t like her. Anyways on Saturday she asked me to go with her to Poland to buy a dress for a firemen ball we were supposed to attend later that night. When I told my husband he said that he doesn’t understand why I’m gong with her, since I always talk shit about her (yeah i know there’s a special place in hell for me, thanks). I thought about it for a second and then I said “because I have no other friend”, as soon as I said it I’ve seen his  heart break for me, but don’t worry about me I’ve dealt with this trauma like I always do I listened to Boney M.

The firemen’s ball was interesting (omg my vocabulary is really something).  I curled my hair like Carrie Bradshaw and wore a little black dress.  I looked cute as hell, though. For the first hour or so, by the end of the night I looked like Weird Al. My husband ripped his pants, our friends got drunk and started stripping,  me and some random guy became blood brothers (not literary) and my feet hurt like hell from wearing the fucking heels. 

This took me way to long to write than it should. Thanks for reading and have a nice day.


new year, new bullshit

The time has come for everyone to write about the past year and their hopes and dreams for the next one. I’m not going to do that. You probably wouldn’t even expect me to. I used to give myself new year’s resolutions, back when I was naive. I know myself now, that’s the problem. I know that no matter how many lists I make, how many blog posts I write or how many bullet journal pages I dedicate to the resolutions I will never actually do them. That’s just how it is. It’s prehaps a little sad and upsetting and great many tears and frustrated wines have been given as were  a lots of swear words. That’s also the only thing, I realized, I could do about it, because nothing will ever change about me. I have no motivation and my will to do anything (including living) has left me some time ago  with no intentions of ever coming back. At least with no resolutions I will not feel guilty after not completing them and that is the only good thing I could hope for in 2018.

The new year’s resolution business is too definite for me anyway. To change something about yourself, your habits, to achieve your goals, to do all of that in a year?? That’s not only impossible, but actually really cruel. Most of people can’t change all their lives and just how many books, films and song a have been written about people who achieved nothing and their dreams never came true, but still something makes you think that you can  do it. You have to be really motivated and brave to do that, because you probably won’t and you will be disappointed and you will feel like shit, maybe you’ll even feel slightly depressed. Don’t do that to yourself. Come to the quitter side, we may not have cookies, but life is, oh so much easier here.


There are people, I heard of them, but never actually met one, who can achieve their goals. Apparently they’re called adults. Their natural habitat is diner parties. If you ever get invited to their tastefully decorated house,  don’t forget to bring a bottle of wine, which will remind them of  the wine they drunk on their trip to Italy they took a couple of years ago, but still can’t stop talking about it.


So, If you’re a responsible adult and have your shit together, I applaud you. Go and live your life and enjoy every second of it. And to us, the 20 somethings who haven’t quite grown up, I say this: go and get drunk. Not the most sophisticated advice you can get, but let’s be honest, what else can we really do to help us survive the bullshit that is life?

This post is a mess. Like all my posts, another thing I won’t change in 2018 (yay!). In a  conclusion of this mess – Please give your mental health a break and skip the resolutions, go see a Star War instead, or read a book or something.

Happy New Year to all!

the bathtub

Everytime my depression gets bad and I feel like I just can’t take anymore I go to the bathtub and cry. I just strip down and sit in it, but it’s not like in the movies when there’s a girl sitting in the water staring into the distance while a single tear falls down on her beautiful face. No, this is different.

I cry, my nose is running. The tears mixed with saliva are flowing to my neck as I struggle to breathe. I’m cold. I don’t know why it’s happening and there’s only one though circulating through my mind over and over again:  i’m going to die, i’m going to die, i’m going to die.

Right when I feel, that  only another pain could stop this I reach for the shower head and raise my hand to strike myself with it, my husband comes in. This is not the first time he sees me like this. He touches me and starts talking slowly. As he’s talking he helps me clean myself. Then he takes me out the bathtub and walks me to bed.

I feel better now. I needed to relieve some tension. I’m telling you because you shouldn’t feel ashamed for crying. Of you feel like it cry. If you can’t take it anymore, go to the bathtub, but you should have someone who pulls you out of it. Don’t be ashamed about your deppression. Tell someone and I promise it will help you.


School. It’s getting to me. I have no free time and I’m depressed (hey what’s new). So this is my very bad apology for the inactivity. I’ll probably start blogging on a regular schedule soon as soon as I figure out how to manage my time better. I hope your September is going better than mine is. I have to study for an anatomy exam. Take care xxx

the bubble

Me and my husband have been married for three months and I can honestly say it has been the best period of our relationship so far. I am happy and everything is great. The only thing that worries me is that I know the bubble is gonna burst. I just don’t know when.

Yesterday me and my friend hang at a coffee-house and talked about her relationship. She and her boyfriend have been together for a year. Yesterday he told he that he loves her, but he doesn’t want to settle down. So right now they live together as friends with benefits. It is hard for her to leave him, even though I think that’s what she should do. She loves him so much she is willing to stay with him even though he doesn’t want to share his future with her. They were happy and then the bubble burst. Is it gonna happen to us as well?

Of course, they weren’t married like we are. That made me examine the married couples I know. My parents are divorced. I have two aunts who are trapped in loveless marriages. My grandparents are divorced. Most of my friends parents are divorced or separated. I know only one or two married couples that seem to be happy.

Is our bubble gonna burst? Why can’t we just stay in this moment, perfectly happy and comfortable. I don’t want to look at my husband and not seeing the love. What if I wake up one day realizing I don’t love him anymore. I can’t bear that thought. I will protect the bubble at all costs.

Hello everyone!

How are you today? I decided to shake things up a bit. I wanted to give you a break from reading my poems and heavy emotional stuff and write about the things currently on my mind and some ‘lighter’ stuff. Don’t worry I will still post my poems and writing, but I decided to make Sunday more casual and write about my daily life instead.

sleepy baby

There has been a heat wave going on for about a week and I’m pretty tired because of it. Since I quit college last autumn I have been at home, recovering from depression and I’m starting to get cabin fever. I have been fine all winter and got married in May so I was pretty busy with the planning. However now I am starting to feel little isolated. I’m constantly at home, my husband travels a lot for his work, so I’m at home all by myself. Thank god for my puppy! without her I would go crazy!

I’ve also recently set up profiles on couple of social media for this blog.

On instagram I share the books I’m reading, inspirational quotes and adorable puppy pictures! My facebook page is mostly full of memes (hey, I’m a millennial). Follow my Tumblr for more poems and fangirling over Sebastian Stan. This is not the “official” blog page but If you love hockey follow me on carolkarose.tumblr.com

Now that the shameless self promoting is done I think I’ll go to sleep. I’ve been bloggin a lot lately and while I love it I need a little break. Enjoy your Sunday. Do what you love, write a poem, paint a picture or just stay in bed. Take care.


the summer of 2012

Over the course of my life I have met many people, none of them however changed my life and helped me find myself as the three I met in the summer of 2012.

I just turned 16 couple of months before the faithful summer. Me and my brother and sister had a group of friends whom we knew our whole lives. Em my brother’s girlfriend at the time, inherited a house after her mother died when she was little and this was the first summer her grandparents allowed us to use it. It was a big, beautiful but a little beat-up house.The furniture inside was relic of the 90’s with only three rooms fully furnished. The central heating didn’t work, the water was cold and we could only use electricity occasionally because it was expensive.

We loved the house anyway, spending most of our time there. We would throw parties and invite everyone who’d bring booze. As I said I only had a small group of friends, but that summer I met many new people. Among them was Dee. She and I became friends, she was like a breath of fresh air. I could talk to her about everything. She was free, talking about sex, smoking cigarettes and drinking on weekdays. I have lost my virginity the year before we met to a guy who never called me back afterwards, but I have never talked about sex before. With newly found confidence I started smoking, drinking and brought Dee into the house.

Continue reading “the summer of 2012”