Everytime my depression gets bad and I feel like I just can’t take anymore I go to the bathtub and cry. I just strip down and sit in it, but it’s not like in the movies when there’s a girl sitting in the water staring into the distance while a single tear falls down on her beautiful face. No, this is different.
I cry, my nose is running. The tears mixed with saliva are flowing to my neck as I struggle to breathe. I’m cold. I don’t know why it’s happening and there’s only one though circulating through my mind over and over again: i’m going to die, i’m going to die, i’m going to die.
Right when I feel, that only another pain could stop this I reach for the shower head and raise my hand to strike myself with it, my husband comes in. This is not the first time he sees me like this. He touches me and starts talking slowly. As he’s talking he helps me clean myself. Then he takes me out the bathtub and walks me to bed.
I feel better now. I needed to relieve some tension. I’m telling you because you shouldn’t feel ashamed for crying. Of you feel like it cry. If you can’t take it anymore, go to the bathtub, but you should have someone who pulls you out of it. Don’t be ashamed about your deppression. Tell someone and I promise it will help you.
School. It’s getting to me. I have no free time and I’m depressed (hey what’s new). So this is my very bad apology for the inactivity. I’ll probably start blogging on a regular schedule soon as soon as I figure out how to manage my time better. I hope your September is going better than mine is. I have to study for an anatomy exam. Take care xxx
Me and my husband have been married for three months and I can honestly say it has been the best period of our relationship so far. I am happy and everything is great. The only thing that worries me is that I know the bubble is gonna burst. I just don’t know when.
Yesterday me and my friend hang at a coffee-house and talked about her relationship. She and her boyfriend have been together for a year. Yesterday he told he that he loves her, but he doesn’t want to settle down. So right now they live together as friends with benefits. It is hard for her to leave him, even though I think that’s what she should do. She loves him so much she is willing to stay with him even though he doesn’t want to share his future with her. They were happy and then the bubble burst. Is it gonna happen to us as well?
Of course, they weren’t married like we are. That made me examine the married couples I know. My parents are divorced. I have two aunts who are trapped in loveless marriages. My grandparents are divorced. Most of my friends parents are divorced or separated. I know only one or two married couples that seem to be happy.
Is our bubble gonna burst? Why can’t we just stay in this moment, perfectly happy and comfortable. I don’t want to look at my husband and not seeing the love. What if I wake up one day realizing I don’t love him anymore. I can’t bear that thought. I will protect the bubble at all costs.
How are you today? I decided to shake things up a bit. I wanted to give you a break from reading my poems and heavy emotional stuff and write about the things currently on my mind and some ‘lighter’ stuff. Don’t worry I will still post my poems and writing, but I decided to make Sunday more casual and write about my daily life instead.
There has been a heat wave going on for about a week and I’m pretty tired because of it. Since I quit college last autumn I have been at home, recovering from depression and I’m starting to get cabin fever. I have been fine all winter and got married in May so I was pretty busy with the planning. However now I am starting to feel little isolated. I’m constantly at home, my husband travels a lot for his work, so I’m at home all by myself. Thank god for my puppy! without her I would go crazy!
I’ve also recently set up profiles on couple of social media for this blog.
On instagram I share the books I’m reading, inspirational quotes and adorable puppy pictures! My facebook page is mostly full of memes (hey, I’m a millennial). Follow my Tumblr for more poems and fangirling over Sebastian Stan. This is not the “official” blog page but If you love hockey follow me on carolkarose.tumblr.com
Now that the shameless self promoting is done I think I’ll go to sleep. I’ve been bloggin a lot lately and while I love it I need a little break. Enjoy your Sunday. Do what you love, write a poem, paint a picture or just stay in bed. Take care.
Over the course of my life I have met many people, none of them however changed my life and helped me find myself as the three I met in the summer of 2012.
I just turned 16 couple of months before the faithful summer. Me and my brother and sister had a group of friends whom we knew our whole lives. Em my brother’s girlfriend at the time, inherited a house after her mother died when she was little and this was the first summer her grandparents allowed us to use it. It was a big, beautiful but a little beat-up house.The furniture inside was relic of the 90’s with only three rooms fully furnished. The central heating didn’t work, the water was cold and we could only use electricity occasionally because it was expensive.
We loved the house anyway, spending most of our time there. We would throw parties and invite everyone who’d bring booze. As I said I only had a small group of friends, but that summer I met many new people. Among them was Dee. She and I became friends, she was like a breath of fresh air. I could talk to her about everything. She was free, talking about sex, smoking cigarettes and drinking on weekdays. I have lost my virginity the year before we met to a guy who never called me back afterwards, but I have never talked about sex before. With newly found confidence I started smoking, drinking and brought Dee into the house.
Continue reading “the summer of 2012”
Yesterday I was driving home and heard Simple Plan song on the radio. That made me feel sentimental and remember when I heard it for the first time. I went down the memory lane to my angsty teenage years and listened to couple of other songs. I though it would be fun to share with you gyus!
SIMPLE PLAN – WELCOME TO MY LIFE
Oh god, this is a great one. I always felt so rebellious listening to this track. I’ve been listening to it on repeat all morning, singing and feeling like a rebel again.
FALL OUT BOY – I DON’T CARE
My 12-year-old emo self is so happy right now. The song is just perfect I still listen to it to this day. The video is so cool. There was nothing cooler to me than this band, this song and this video.
LADY GAGA – MONSTER
Seriously any of the songs from her first three albums could be here. They are all great and I used to listen to them constantly. Monster is a less known song I always loved along with So Happy I Could Die and Dance In The Dark.
Continue reading “soundtrack to my teenage years”
Ever since I was old enough to understand the concept of faith I waited for some kind of religious epiphany to come. I heard about God in movies and read about him in books, but never knew why we don’t talk about him at home. So I asked my mom, why we don’t pray, who is God and was Jesus really his son. She said that in our family we don’t believe God exist. That was shocking for me. When someone talked about God on the television they knew he did exist. I was confused.
I felt like something was missing. What If God existed and I was missing out on spiritual enlightenment? As I grew older I read the Bible and I started to part with the image of God being a man in the sky. I did wanted to find God, but I couldn’t believe the Bible. I don’t mean to disrespect anyone who does. Faith is a gift I don’t have. I don’t think you need an organized religion to connect with your spirituality. The Bible was written by men and so were the rules.
The truth is I don’t know what I will feel when I finally find him or if I ever will. And who knows maybe one day I will be satisfied with my life enough to stop searching for him.