the downfall of the gifted child

Picture this, you’re in middle school, your grades are amazing, the teachers love you and you have a promising academic future. That is untill you start high school, your grades begin to slip and you have hard time with every subject. Why?

This is my story, but I’ve encountered many people who share my experience. I want to know why at 12 my future shone bright like a diamond and at 23 I’m a two-time college dropout with depression.

I’ve thought about my academic downfall a lot, mostly in the middle of the night and there is really only one reason I can think of. Studying. Not in class, but at home. See the problem is that, in middle school I never had to study and I still had amazing grades. When I was in high school, the subjects got a lot harder and more demanding. I realized that in order to keep my grades perfect I had to study at home. Except I didn’t know how, after all, I have never done it before. I hated it, it sucked. So I decided not to do it. Not my best call, but I am afterall incredibly lazy by nature.

Except what if it wasn’t laziness? What if it was fear. For the first time in my life I wasn’t good at something. It scared me. I, the golden child, the pride of my family was failing. I was miserable. I knew I couldn’t keep up with my achievements, so I didn’t try anymore.

There have been many events in my life I tried to identify as the reason for my depression. I found many potentional reasons and this seems as good as any. Sometimes I dream about the future I was promised, the one I never got to have.

a brief guide to feminism for the women who don’t think we need it

If you are a women, girl or identify as a woman and you think feminism is unnecessary or annoying this article is for you!

Let me quickly explain what feminism is about. Feminists are fighting for equal pay, the right to vote, for women to receive education, own land and have equal rights within marriage. They also protect women and girls from sexual harassment and sexual assault. Allow me now, to take a moment and debunk the most common misconception about feminism: FEMINISM DOESN’T EQUAL FEMALE SUPREMACY. We (yes I am a feminist, thank you very much) just want for women to have equal opportunities men have. No matter what men seem to think, gender equality doesn’t exist.

Now, back to you ladies. Allow me to take you on a tour through history to see how much basic freedoms you have today you owe to feminists. Also for the duration of this experiment I’m gonna be using a fictional white woman, because women of color are still heavily discriminated today and while some things improved it’s not perfect by far. So, let’s look how you would live your life in the past, shall we?

  • YOU ARE BORN

Nothing complicated about that, is it? Not exactly.

In all time periods If you were born to rich parents you had a better life and more opportunities even as a woman than If you were born to poor parents. That being sad up until around the start of the 20th century girls were expected to obey their father.

In ancient Rome unwanted children (mostly girls) were left on the street and then sold as slaves. As a female slave you would be forced to work as a prostitute or work in a rich house. Masters would frequently rape their slaves. Slaves couldn’t marry and any baby born to a slave automatically became a slave.

  • GOING TO SCHOOL

You were born and spent the first few years of your life learning how tot talk and walk, now it is time to go to school. Well not really.

In ancient Rome boys and girls were taught together, mostly languages and etiquette until their come of age (12 for girls and 14 for boys). After that girls were being taught by their mother about cleaning and managing a household.

In the middle ages pretty much the only place a girl could get an education was a convent. So, you could become a nun or never know how to read.

In 16th – 17th century you could study languages If you were from a rich family.

In 18th – 19th century there was a rise in all-girl boarding schools as well as the first school for nurses. Finally the 20th century opened universities to women. Just a friendly reminder that Vivian Malone Jones the first black woman to attend a university in America did so in 1963.

  • GETTING MARRIED

So far you’ve learnt and experienced pretty much nothing so, it is time to get married!

In ancient Rome girls were under their father’s control for their whole lives. When they got married the control now belonged to the husband as well as the father. They were expected to bear children to continue the line. You could divorce quite easily in Rome (at most times), so at least there’s that.

In the Middle ages royal and other power families used marriage to gain more power or property. The wives of course belong to their husband and had to make babies. To get a divorce was extremely hard for a woman. If a man wanted to divorce he had to prove his wife’s infidelity. If woman wanted to get a divorce she had to prove her husband’s adultery as well as state another major reason. Just FIY rape and brutality did not count as a major reason. Yeah…..

It is of course mandatory for a girl to be a virgin when getting married. In ancient Rome the legal age to marry was for a girl was 12. While the husband could be up to 40 years old. In middle ages girls were expected to get married around 18 – 25 years of age. This expectation was kept up until pretty recently.

And of course you needed you father’s approval to get married.

Marital rape hasn’t been paid attention until the late 20th century when most countries made it illegal. Some countries still don’t clasify it as a crime even today.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/article/34474123/suffragettes-womens-fight-to-vote-explained-in-powerful-pictures

  • WORKING

Now that you are married and maybe you are even lucky enough that your husband isn’t 20 years older creep it is time to get to work.

If you were born into, or married into a rich family you don’t work. You make babies and take care of the babies. If you reader are a young girl you probably think this is a little far-fetched. Just go ask your grandmother, she’ll tell you.

If you were born into a poor family and your husband is poor too, you would had to work. In the middle ages you could paint textiles, keep livestock or work as a household servant. If you did work somewhere other than your home you were expected to have a male supervision at all times. You also had to cook and clean, look after the children as well as make cheese! Yay!

In Victorian Britain working class women worked in factories, as servants or in workshops.While being paid less than the men, naturally Just watch Suffragette to know how hard it really was.

  • VOTING

HAHAHA.

Nowadays you may find yourself in a middle of a political debate and you are free to express your thoughts on the whole process as well as vote. You couldn’t do that in the past. Not by a long shot. Men didn’t want women in politics and hell they still don’t. THat all changed with the suffragette movement in the late 19th and early 20th century. Through protests and marches they won the right to vote. Finally in 1918 Women were allowed to vote in Britain. As long as they were over 30, were white and owned land. Still. Just watch Suffragette.

  • That’s it.

What a life it has been. You learned to read and gave birth to multiple children and If you haven’t died from childbirth you cleaned and cooked and kept your mouth shut untill your ultimate death.

That brings me back to you dear reader. If you a woman, still don’t believe in feminism just remember that every right, every privilege you have has been made for you by centuries of brave women who paved the way for you. The fact that you can go to school, to work. There have been women who said ‘fuck it’ and went for it, even though they were constantly being brought down by men, who didn’t want them to succeed. Even the women who did the small things, like using contraceptive methods behind their husband’s back, because they didn’t want to have another kid. It’s the women who read books and talked about them in public. It is the women who didn’t get married. The women who wrote books and painted. It’s the girls who put on pants and vests and lipsticks. Women of the past. The extraordinary brave women who stood up to the system as well as the everyday women who rebelled against society in small ways. Those are the real heroes, without them we wouldn’t have anything. Remember them the next time you think feminism is unnecessary.

should i write a book or just take a nap?

Do you ever get sudden, strong, overwhelming feeling that you hate your life? Because that’s all I’ve been feeling lately. For those of you who don’t know I study nursing in college. Lately though I’ve been feeling very bad about it. I love helping people, but I’m feeling it’s a little too demanding for me mentally. I’ve been suffering from depression as well as anxiety for the past three years. Especially the hospital training is exhausting. What it is basically you work for free at a hospital and all the nurses treat you like shit while you have to do the stuff no one wants to do and some nurses don’t even let you sit down for eight hours. Fun! I still have a couple of days of my hospital training left before I oficially pass the first year. Somehow I don’t think I’ll make it, mostly because I have to complete seven days of hospital training, but I only have four days to do it. Yeah. I don’t know how it hapenned and I certanly don’t know what I’m gonna do If the school dismisess me because I haven’t completed my training.

All of this got me thinking. What will I do If (when) I get kicked out. I cannot enroll to another school. I’ve already droped out of university 2 years ago because of my mental health. I cannot afford to study anymore If this school doesn’t work out. I was thinking about what I’d like to do, but I couldn’t think of anything that would be good for my mental health. Except writing. I love to write. That made me ask myself a question. Why haven’t I done anything about it already? I always dreamed about writing a book, so why haven’t I? I think the biggest obsticle is the language. I really want to write the vook in English and while I consider myself to be fluent English speaker, my written English is not perfect. I think it’s close, but it is not really ready for a book yet. I could always write a book in Czech but for some reason I don’t want to. So I wanna write, but cannot. I came to the idea of writing a script. I think it would be perfect way to release my creativity withnout exposing my sometimes akward written English. Writing a scrip, of course means that no one will care about it. Big televisions or streaming companies are definitelly not intrested in an unknown girl from central Europe. Still I feel it would be a good place to start. Give me something to do after I flank out. I’m not pessimistic, but with my current mental state I don’t know how I’m managing not to have a panic attack every hour. I just don’t think I have the strength or interest for that matter, to fight to stay in school. With that very uplifting thought I say goodbye, I hope you have a better day than me.

tips for studying with depression

I have been suffering from depression for a long time now, I’ve survived high school and I’m trying to survive college right now. If you’re a student struggling with depression you know that it’s hard. Sometimes it even feels impossible. Today I’ve written down some tips, that help me study. I hope it will help you too.

BEFORE YOU START: CLEAN

Yes, you read that right. Before you start studying clean your room, do your laundry, do all the chores you’ve been meaning to do. Clean environment will make you feel good. Plus you won’t have to think about it for the rest of the day. I hate when I start studying, but all I can think about is all the chores I haven’t done yet.

NUMBER ONE: ORGANIZE

The first step is to plan what exactly you need to study for. Take a look in your diary and prioritize the exams. If the exam is hard, plan more days for studying. Don’t study at the last minute, the stress wil only worsen your depression. Then check your notes and materials. Be sure you have everything ready before you start studying. If you don’t have the notes ask a classmate.

NUMBER TWO: STUDYING

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Study for more exams at the same time. Instead of studying the same materials all day, change it up. For example study anatomy for 1 hour, then microbiology, then psychology, then anatomy again. The change of subjects is what keeps your brain from being tired and aphatetic which makes your depression worse.

NUMBER THREE: TAKE A BREAK

This one is super important. Break your studying into segments and after completing each segment, take a break. For example after you read 25 pages you watch one episode of your favourite Tv show (I’m obsessed with Buzffeed Unsolved right now, go check it out). Just take a break when you feel tired or overwhelmed. Listen to some music, read or take a nap.

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NUMBER FOUR: DON’T CARE ABOUT THE GRADES

This only works If you’re not a scholarship student. This is especially easy for me to say because college is free in my county. If you’re not a scholarship student then I suggest to stop caring about the grades. As long as you pass the exam you are fine. Don’t feel pressured to have great grades. As soon as you stop caring about it, you won’t feel so guilty about a bad grade.

NUMBER FIVE: IT’S OKAY TO GIVE UP

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I’m in the middle of my finals right now. I still have three exams and couple of hospital training days left before the end of the semester. This month has been crazy, last week I had five exams and so far this week I had two. Today I was supposed to have anatomy exam, the hardest subject of the semester. I had three days to study, but I didn’t. The thing is I know I would have been able to pull it off. I just didn’t want to. I decided to look out for my mental health fo once and not do it. When you feel like you just cannot do it, then don’t. I’m writing this in my experience with my country’s education system. Here, we have three tries for one exam before we have to re- take the semester. If you have similar opportunities, take them. You don’t need to complete everything on your first try.

NUMBER SIX: YOU’RE DOING GREAT

Don’t compare yourself to other students. Remember that depression is a bitch and makes everything 100 times harder. If others have no problems with the exams it’s because they are healthy. Remember you are strong! You can do this!

why the fuck do we suddenly talk about money ?

When I was growing up we had nothing. We were constantly hanging on the edge of poverty. My mom raised us onĀ  her own and with four children and a minimal wage it was hard. My grandma helped us, but every time she did she made sure mom would never forget it. But we were happy, because we had each other. My twin brother, my sister, who is a year younger than us and our little sister, who is five years younger. We were always Very close and always tried to help our mom. Especially us three, because our sister was much younger than us, she never felt the responsibilities we did, because she was just a kid. Something we had to give up pretty quickly. We would tell mom, that we don’t want to go on a school trip, just so she could save money, for food and clothes.

It was a little different for my brother and youngest sister. My grandma liked them more than me and my sister. She always had and she still does. In me she saw our father, who left us and spent time in prison, never to care for us or pay his alimony. She hated me for looking like him, acting like him for reminding her of the man who abandoned her daughter.

In my sister she saw our mother. Who at nineteen left her home for Prague and found a man who made her four kids, a lot debts and left. She dislikes my sister, cause she is so much like my mother. So it was a little harder for us two, but we still had each other.

Now, not so much. The youngest will be seventeen this year and she is growing up very differently than we did. My brother started working after he finished school and he earns a lot of money, he lives with his girlfriend. I got married, my sister still lives at home, but works he ass of so she could afford an apartment and move out.

The problem is, that my brother seems to have forgotten that we stared from nothing. He has money now. The middle class money. He is very mean to my sister, always telling her that if she worked harder she could afford a car or the apartment or whatever. He sounds like the kids who used bully us in school. He says the stuff they used to shout at us. He became what we always despised.

Now we talk about money. We never used to do that. That’s maybe the only perk of not having money, you don’t talk about it. Look at me I’m writing about it. I would never imagine myself writing about something so unimportant as money. But here we are.

He spoils my youngest sister. He does and it pisses me off. More than rich people we always hated spoiled kids and now my little sister is one of them. It’s different with me, because I do now have the middle class money, but it’s my husband’s money. What I’m afraid of is that, when I do start working and we will have more money than we do now, will I become a middle class asshole like my brother did? Why do people change like that? There is so much more you could have than money.