the summer of 2012

Over the course of my life I have met many people, none of them however changed my life and helped me find myself as the three I met in the summer of 2012.

I just turned 16 couple of months before the faithful summer. Me and my brother and sister had a group of friends whom we knew our whole lives. Em my brother’s girlfriend at the time, inherited a house after her mother died when she was little and this was the first summer her grandparents allowed us to use it. It was a big, beautiful but a little beat-up house.The furniture inside was relic of the 90’s with only three rooms fully furnished. The central heating didn’t work, the water was cold and we could only use electricity occasionally because it was expensive.

We loved the house anyway, spending most of our time there. We would throw parties and invite everyone who’d bring booze. As I said I only had a small group of friends, but that summer I met many new people. Among them was Dee. She and I became friends, she was like a breath of fresh air. I could talk to her about everything. She was free, talking about sex, smoking cigarettes and drinking on weekdays. I have lost my virginity the year before we met to a guy who never called me back afterwards, but I have never talked about sex before. With newly found confidence I started smoking, drinking and brought Dee into the house.

Continue reading “the summer of 2012”

turn

Turn around and watch the last spark of my sanity die under your knowing gaze

you’re free now, I’m gone

I joined my father at the madhouse

you never visit

teriffied of seeing my walking corpse

maybe you should have loved me more

i’m letting go, clear your conciense

i’ll be gone

 

© 2017 Carolyn Grimm

 

soundtrack to my teenage years

Yesterday I was driving home and heard Simple Plan song playing on the radio. That made me feel sentimental and remember when I heard it for the first time. I went down the memory lane to my angsty teenage years and listened to couple of other songs. I though it would be fun to share with you gyus!

SIMPLE PLAN – WELCOME TO MY LIFE

Oh god, this is a great one. I always felt so rebellious listening to this track. I’ve been listening to it on repeat all morning, singing and feeling like a rebel again.

FALL OUT BOY – I DON’T CARE

My 12-year-old emo self is so happy right now. The song is just perfect I still listen to it to this day. The video is just cool. There was nothing more cooler to me than this band, this song and this video.

LADY GAGA – MONSTER

Seriously any of the songs from her first three albums could be here. They are all great and I used to listen to them constantly. Monster is a less known song I always loved along with So Happy I Could Die and Dance In The Dark.

Continue reading “soundtrack to my teenage years”

desire

I want to get drunk

to hear your voice through the merciful siftter of alcohol induced thoughts.

I need to feel your hands on my lonely body

don’t call me darling

i am someone else tonight.

In the morning I’ll hide my face in shame,

look away

wait until i’m me again

 

 

 

© 2017 Carolyn Grimm

waiting for God

Ever since I was old enough to understand the concept of faith I waited for some kind of religious epiphany to come. I heard about God in movies and read about him in books, but never knew why we don’t talk about him at home. So I asked my mom, why we don’t pray, who is God and was Jesus really his son. She said that in our family we don’t believe God exist. That was shocking for me. When someone talked about God on the television they knew he did exist. I was confused.

I felt like something was missing. What If God existed and I was missing out on spiritual enlightenment? As I grew older I read the Bible and I started to part with the image of God being a man in the sky. I did wanted to find God, but I couldn’t believe the Bible. I don’t mean to disrespect anyone who does. Faith is a gift I don’t have. I don’t think you need an organized religion to connect with your spirituality. The Bible was written by men and so were the rules.

The truth is I don’t know what I will feel when I finally find him or if I ever will. And who knows maybe one day I will be satisfied with my life enough to stop searching for him.

Výsledek obrázku pro losing my religion gif

forgive me

Forgive me people,

for  not changing anything, cynically wasting my potential and your money

for drinking on working days, lying to police men about my friends getting high in a bathroom of a fancy hotel

for faking my way through life with ease while you crawl in the mud of your disappointing existence.

Forgive me friends,

for never keeping secrets, revealing your shame and fears to psychiatrists, mocking your pain in front of the masses

for the cigarette smoke I blew in your face when you were crying about your parents divorce.

for the anger I felt when you left, the profanities I shouted at you in a bus taking you home.

Forgive me parents,

for running away from the life you created for me

for blaming my failures at you, crying everyday, ruining your mornings

for banging my head against the wall at midnight,hurting myself, getting blood all over the sheets you bought.

Forgive me my love,

for loving you quietly and not kissing you enough

for making you touch my scars, corrupting your innocence with my sins

for not being perfect,

for living so fast.

 

 

© 2017 Carolyn Grimm